Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

Letting Go of the Life You Imagined

And Embracing the One You are Living.....

According to the American Psychological Association, the divorce rate in America is between 40 and 50 percent. This rate is even higher in subsequent marriages.  I don't think this is news to anyone, but it is still crazy to think that our odds in staying married are about the same as winning a coin toss. 

There are many reasons why marriages don't last, but I am not here to get into that. What I wanted to explore today is my journey in letting go of the life I imagined and worked to build for 15 years. I think this was one of the most difficult things for me to work through in being a newly divorced person. I am also not claiming to be an expert or that I am even doing it right. I also have a lot of people who went before me to thank for putting many things into perspective for me. For that, I will be forever grateful.

A divorce does not have to mean your dreams are over. It does represent a death of a relationship and the end to dreams that you had with your ex-spouse and the family you built together. This can be super hard. However, for me, as the dust settles, I am learning that this can truly be a new, wonderful beginning as well as chance to do things the way I want. Many of those things may be similar to what I set out to accomplish in my twenties, but now that I am forty I should be wiser.  Right? Maybe just maybe I can build something better. I sure hope this is true, and I put my faith in that it is, because I intend to do better this time. Much better..... I don't want to be another divorce statistic. 

A big part of this involved a shift in attitude. Which my friends is way hard.... It is way to easy to see all of the things you feel you are losing or that aren't fair. When you see your ex moving on especially with someone else, it stings. You wonder why couldn't I make him happy. What does she have that I don't? This even happens when you both know the marriage was negative, and it is better for everyone to separate your paths.

Here are some things I had to let go of.....

     1. Having my kids under my roof 100 percent of the time. 

     2. Our family of 4 camping or really doing anything else together.

     3. Our family attending sporting events or band concerts or theater performances as one unit.

     4. Building a business with my spouse.

     5. My dream of running a gym as a part of said business.

     6. Spending every holiday with my children.

     7. Control of all things kid related.

     8. Being a part of a couple.

     9. Anger and resentment.

     10. Feeling alone.

Things I am learning to embrace.....

     1. More appreciation for the time when I have my kids and making this time quality.

     2. Camping and other adventures look different, but in some ways are much better! I get to create my own adventures and memories with my girls.

     3. Enjoying all things kid related including band concerts, sporting, and theater events on my own. 

     4. Going back to my original career teaching elementary school. I can create my own security and provide for myself and the girls. That's empowering.

     5. Someday, I will still get back into coaching.... swimming or a gym, when I am ready.

     6. Even if my kids are not physically with me on holidays, I can create our own new traditions,

and I involve friends and family in new, fun ways!

     7. Loving my time to myself and not always having to be the parent in charge. It allows me to recharge and actually be a better mom. Although, I still miss my girls like crazy.

     8. Being single can be ok. Dating is also a lot of fun. The anticipation that there may also be a much better match for me, and the happiness that will come with that possibility. 

     9. Creating my own happiness and living my life on my terms.

    10. I am not alone. I have amazing friends and family.

So while my dreams may not look the same as they did even 2 years ago, I still have them. I can still build a life that resembles what I imagined 2 decades ago. Hopefully, this one will be even better because I am better. I have always worked to learn from things that didn't work out and am still doing that everyday. I still imagine a life of fulfillment and happiness, even if it now looks a bit different. I am grateful for what I have everyday and work to make an even better tomorrow.

Bless you all my friends. Thanks for your support and love. 

Take Care,

Ann

Eva: My First Born

Eva: My First Born 

Exactly 1 month ago today, we celebrated my first born turning 13. I can hardly believe it has been 13 years since dear, sweet Eva entered the world and made me a mom for the first time. Even after 37 hours of labor, it was love at first sight. From the time I was very young, I knew I wanted to be a mother and after a miscarriage earlier that year, I finally had my wish.

Those of you who are parents can likely relate to the feeling you have when you meet your bundle of joy for the first time. It is hard for me to put into words how I felt. Obviously, I was extremely exhausted, but I didn't care. My heart was already full of so much love for this beautiful little girl my body had made from scratch. Little did I know how much that love would grow, as she has grown and developed into her own little person, over the past 13 years. Now here she stands an amazing young woman before me.

Eva was nicknamed, "Buglet" by her preschool teacher Miss Jill, and since then, that name has stuck. It is still as fitting today at 13 as it was at 4. She is and always has been a little spitfire with a mind all her own. She wears her heart on her sleeve. There is no guessing how she feels. Luckily, most of the time, she radiates a sheer love of life and happiness for everything and everyone around her. 

Eva is not afraid to think outside the box to solve any problem presented to her. Often, I find her with household tools including, hammers, nails, glue, cardboard, screwdrivers, tape measures, scissors, you name it, designing something using her creative imagination. She leaves a tornado of things behind her, as she quickly moves from one thing to the next. Eva is quick witted and really gets concepts and jokes other kids her age often don't.

Her father and I have no doubt that someday, this child may grow up to rule the world. She is never afraid to say what is on her mind and is a natural born leader. Often it can be difficult to parent a strong willed child, but I know that this will serve her well in the future. We are so proud of her hard work and dedication to school, theater, and music. This little lady was born to perform and will often be found in the basement with her sister making up plays including music, costumes, and a complete script. 

In addition to being an amazing student, performer, and singer, Eva works hard to be a good athlete. She doesn't come by this as naturally as her sister, but has recently found that she loves running and is embracing that she is a talented swimmer. She is most definitely her sister's best cheerleader and supporter.

Eva has a big heart and cherishes her friendships and loves little kids. I have no doubt she will do and be anything she wishes in this life. Currently, her dream is to be a surgeon. I am so excited to continue to watch this little lady grow. It is so hard to believe that in 5 short years, she will be an adult.....

Til Next Time,
Ann

Controlling Your Thoughts Before They Control You

Controlling Your Thoughts Before They Control You

Just like most of you, this time of isolation has been hard on me and my girls for multiple reasons. I too am worried about the future. I am not going to deny the stress that this Coronavirus pandemic has put on our entire existence. Worries about the economy, my own personal finances, my daughters' educations, gas prices and the stock market plummeting, the mental health of my friends and family, the loss of jobs; the list can sometimes feel endless. I feel you my friends. Times are tough right now. Not knowing when this is going to end, or when we can make plans for the future is really messing with us all. However, how we handle this situation is completely up to us and can also lead to a much better future than we could ever imagine if we can just get control over our own minds. If we don't control our thoughts soon they can over take and control us.

Now, this is much easier said than done for sure, but it is still something we can control. So, try to be proactive about your thoughts. What you put into your mind has a lot of impact on your mental health and well being. When possible, choose positive over negative. 

Inevitably, negative thoughts and worries will surface. When this does happen, acknowledge this and ask yourself, "Is this thought productive? What can I do about this right now?" If the thought is not productive and/or if it is something you cannot control, change your thought to something else, something positive. You can also find something positive and productive to do as a distraction, take a walk, turn on a positive podcast, do anything that makes you happy. Sit down right now and make a list of things you can do that brings positive to your life.  Here is mine. Use it as a a starting point in making your own....

1.  Listening to music

2.  Exercising (running, biking, weight lifting, CrossFit, hiking) 

3.  Motivational podcasts

4.  Reading

5.  Playing games with my kids

6.  Talking on the phone or video chats with friends and family

7.  Writing

8.  Making jewelry

9.  Watching a good show or movie 

10. Coloring

11. Shooting my bow

12. Home improvement

When your negative thought is something you can control, write it down. Brainstorm a list of actions you can take to work on making progress on exterminating this negative. For example, if you lost your job, make a list of things you can do to recover that income. The top of that list is to file for unemployment. If you miss your family or had to cancel a trip, call them or video chat. 

There are almost always things you can do to turn a positive into a negative, sometimes it takes some creative thinking or research. The most important thing is to not dwell on these negative thoughts or feelings. 

Seek out others who are in the same situation as you. Ask for advice on how they might be handling it. You aren't alone. The whole world is going through this together even though at times this isolation can make you feel like you are completely alone. 

Last, take a break from social media. Turn off the news. Right now, there is information overload from all directions. This can really influence our thoughts and feelings. Do your best to filter what is going into your mind before it has a chance to even get there.

This takes practice my friends. I still have moments when I panic. feel anxious, cry.... it's ok. Sometimes, we need to do that in order to express our feelings, so we can move past them. If you feel like this, do it.

My thoughts are with you all.  May we all come out of this stronger, wiser, and mentally strong.

Fondly,
Ann

Celebrating Abby

Celebrating Abby

On April 16, 2009, when I was in labor during a snowstorm, little did I know the amazing gift this 6 lb 9 oz baby girl was going to be to me as a mom and all those around her. Yes, I had an idea, as she had an almost 2 year old big sister over the moon excited waiting for her at home. But, I really had no clue how her own unique personality would develop as she grows becoming completely her own person. She has her own opinions; likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses etc that make her an amazing little lady.
So today, as we celebrate her 11th birthday, I reflect on and celebrate this gift that keeps giving and surprising  me daily. Abby is wise beyond her years blessed with an old soul. At a very young age, she would keep tabs on things. I fondly remember leaving the house to go on a trip and her asking, "Did you close the garage door?" She was 5. 

Over the past several years, her father and I have watched her handle high pressure situations with ease and grace. It amazes me the pressure that she can handle. From the time she was 7, she has competed at the Wyoming State swim meet and always pushed herself to get better and improved her times earning trips to Age group Sectionals and Zones. Along the way, she has earned high point awards and set state records. She has also become a leading point scorer on the field in her age group in soccer. And most recently was offered the opportunity to take 7th grade honors math as a 6th grader. 

Abby strives to be the best at everything she does, and the amazing part is most of this motivation comes from deep within herself. What most people don't see is the hours she puts in on her own time outside of practices and the school day working to improve her skills. To me this is the most amazing thing to watch as a parent. She sets a goal and executes. 

Yes, she receives support and guidance from her dad and I as parents; she is still only 11. But, we really try to keep this to a minimum. If it were up to her, she would be in the pool or at soccer or basketball practice every single day. However, we work to limit this and keep it age appropriate. We definitely don't want her to burn out! At times, during early season swimming, she only goes to 2 practices/wk. She hates this!

Abby can often be found watching sports videos or seeking out inspirational quotes to post on the wall in her bedroom. She has also been known to ask for math workbooks for Christmas! I love how she is always working to improve herself. I am confident this little lady will go far in life due to her drive and work ethic.

This being said, I also love that she can be a bit goofy and is still very much a little girl. Her laugh is a deep belly laugh and so very contagious. You cannot help but laughing when she is around. She still builds with legoes, makes forts, and plays in the snow.

Abby has a huge heart and cares very deeply for those around her. She is a loyal friend and sister and always finds an amazing group of girlfriends to spend time with. Abby is always one of the first ones to know when I need a hug and still sits on my lap. I know this time is limited, as she keeps growing and is almost as tall as me.

While I cannot wait to see what her future holds, I really wish I could stop time sometimes and keep her from growing up. She truly has been a gift to me and many others. I cannot imagine my life without my Abster. 

Fondly,

Ann

You Can Take Control

You Can Take Control

It's Friday, March 20, 2020. I am sitting here alone at my kitchen table amidst the COVID-19
crisis trying to wrap my mind around what all this means for myself personally, my girls,
and the small business I work for which is now owned by my ex-husband. And yes, this has
reached a level here in Cheyenne, WY where everything public has been shut down.
As of yesterday, bars, restaurants, gyms, etc. EVERYTHING nonessential is closed. I knew it
was only a matter of time before we joined the same level the rest of the country, but I still wasn't prepared mentally or emotionally. Luckily, I did get groceries last week, so we can still eat!

This news came directly on the tail of my divorce being final exactly 10 days ago. So to say,
I am a bit at a loss would be an understatement. I went from feeling a bit lost and vulnerable to
full fledged panic regarding my future. But in this fear and panic, I know I am not alone. When
thinking logically, I also know that I will be ok. God has a plan. I need to place my trust in that
plan even though I struggle wanting to know exactly where his plan is taking me.

In order to cope, I sat down and made a list of what I can control. The list was simple.
I can control....

                                1. My thoughts
                                2. My words
                                3. My actions

I cannot control this virus, how it spreads, or who gets infected. I cannot control the decisions made by the government, which might be frustrating to some Americans. I am choosing to believe they are doing their best with the information they have in order to keep US ALL SAFE. I cannot control my trip to visit family over Easter was cancelled or even that my family is super far away. 

Instead of freaking out and fretting about what I cannot control, I am going to choose to focus on
what I can. My friends, I challenge you and encourage you to do the same. If you are a believer,
put your faith in God. Use this time to pray and connect with him.

Here is my pledge. I would love to have you all join in this with me and even add to this if you
like....

1. I will keep my thoughts positive. 

Here are just a few thoughts to get started with....

This too will pass.

There is always a rainbow after a storm.

God has a plan for a better nation once we get through this.

We will never take things like toilet paper and eggs for granted.

We will always appreciate the freedom we have to move freely about the world.

Kids will appreciate being back at school.

2. I will keep my words positive.


I will post only positive encouraging words, pictures, songs, memes, etc on social media.

I will support and encourage those around me who might be struggling.

I will stay in regular contact with friends and family in an effort to keep all of our spirits lifted during this time of isolation.





3. I will focus on things I CAN DO at home and look at this time as time to catch my breath,
regroup, and spend time with my girls, and working on myself.

I look forward to all the social gatherings and celebrations on the other side of this. Until then,
stay safe my friends.

Fondly,

Ann

Unraveling 15 Years: The Positive Side to Divorce

Unraveling 15 Years: The Positive Side to Divorce

Exactly 11 days ago today, I sat across from my husband of 15 years, and we signed the legal
agreement we spent 2 months working on together. This divided everything we worked hard
for as a team. It turns out that 2 people can work together as mature individuals
and make decisions to determine what is best for the team of 4 people involved in a divorce.

This decision did not just affect the 2 of us, but both of our beautiful daughters were also
going to be impacted by this process. It was up to us to decide how we wanted to handle
ourselves as parents. I am proud of how we both worked together to put their needs before anything else when making custody and financial agreements. Throughout this nine month separation, our girls continued to thrive both in school, music, and athletics. This was possible, because we worked together to keep their lives stable. We put them before ourselves, no matter how hard that was at times, because yes there were human emotions involved. Sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear are just a
few that came into the mix.

It is hard to unravel 15 years of a life once shared. But honestly, it was brewing for many years.
One day, it just became time to stop hurting one another, repeatedly. Although, it is painful to end
a very important chapter in both of our lives, it is a necessary ending, so that we can both move
forward and find happiness separately. We were not the best version of ourselves together and
this did not allow us to be the best role models for our young daughters. That is not an easy thing
to admit, and it doesn't make either one of us a "bad person". We both made mistakes, we both
worked hard and hung on to the hope that we were better as a team than separate. We did this for many years, until it became apparent that no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we
cared for one another, it just wasn't a good fit. And you know what? That's ok.

Does it hurt? Is it hard? Of course it is. This man that sat across from me was my best friend.
He stood by me through many hard times. We built one business together and are still working
together to build another. We share 2 daughters and many memories with friends and
family. It is hard to close the door on our life together. But that doesn't mean that divorce has
to be ugly. It doesn't mean that with some time and healing we can't continue to be friends.
It doesn't mean we all the sudden hate each other.

This just means that we will move forward in our journeys not as husband and wife, but as
friends, co-parents, and now, he is my boss. This means there is a different set of rules and boundaries, but that's ok, because we stopped the cycle of hurting each other.

Although our roles in one another's lives has changed, we will still work together to build his business, and we will continue to co-parent. We will both continue to attend soccer and basketball games, swimming and cross country meets, band concerts, musicals and plays, parent teacher conferences and more. Divorce doesn't have to make 2 people enemies. If fact, it can prevent 2 people from hating one another.

Celebration

Celebration

5 Year Anniversary

Today, I celebrate. I celebrate my health. I celebrate my ability to live life to it's fullest.
I am full of gratitude for each day I wake up and greet the day, regardless of why lies ahead.
Five years ago today, I entered into a 2 hour procedure to repair my PFO and 2 ASDS at the
University of Denver Hospital. These 3 holes in my atrium wall were apparently present since
birth, and at 35 years old, I had no idea they were there until my health took a huge downward
turn. (Please,visit older posts on this blog to view my whole story if you are interested. I want this post to be one of celebration and not a review of what I went through.) This experience was a
huge turning point in my life and has shaped much of who I have become today. I am so
thankful that I went through this experience.

SISU - Finnish for Grit/Perserverance

Has everyday been easy?
Did this experience magically add rainbows and unicorns to my life? Hell no! Those who know me, know that I have had several more difficult experiences that have also contributed to framing who I am today. All of which seem to happen in January.... Life still has difficulties, but I view these challenges as opportunities to grow and become strong with each experience rather than tear me down.

But today, right now, in this moment, I am choosing to be grateful and celebrate. Because I knew my body, and I knew something was wrong. When gasping for breath on a simple brisk walk, shouldn't have been the norm. I sought answers. So, I am now here living life to it's fullest. I am in the best shape of my life, yes at 40 years old. I am preparing for my first partner Cross Fit competition on Saturday.  I am doing this as a celebration of what my body can do. At 40 years old, I am still getting stronger. I still celebrate my PRs in the gym. I am still learning new skills and continuing to refine old ones. I remain stroke free, because  I was healthy, and then I wasn't, and I listened to my body, to keep myself healthy.

Eva 12 years old and Abby 10 years old

Today, I celebrate. I celebrate I am here to see my 2 beautiful daughters grow into the amazing young women they are becoming. They are amazing little people with the kindest hearts and caring souls. Last night, I stopped in my tracks to listen to their giggles coming from the basement. This brought me to tears. It is the small moments that take my breath away. I hug them more. I hug them tighter. Watching them swim, play soccer, run, play their instruments, all bring me more joy than I could have ever understood. I look forward to all they will become and know I am lucky to have such joy in my life, and the gift of being Eva and Abby's mom.


Today, I celebrate my family. I have 2 amazing sisters that have become my best friends through choice. Despite our differences, we have become one another's glue. Sisters by birth friends by choice. Regardless, of the time day or night, I know they are there for me to cry or laugh with. They let me vent, and listen without judgement. They give me advice and the tough love I need sometimes. Although, we live far apart, through our efforts, distance has not let us drift apart. My parents are also an amazing part of my life. Always, available to listen and support me in all I do. They both sacrificed much to help raise me into a woman I hope they can be proud of today. My family is my rock.

Today, I celebrate the friendships I have made. My circle isn't big, but it is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other through all of life's journeys and struggles. I have amazing friends near and far who support me and hold me up and celebrate victories with me, as well. My heart swells when a message from a friend appears unexpectedly. I value the connections that come from coffee dates and simply talking with a friend over a drink. My friends are my family.

So, today, I celebrate. I am so grateful for the trials life has thrown my way. Yes, it sounds corny to be thankful for the struggles. I acknowledge this, but with the struggles comes learning and growth, as well as, gratitude for all of the amazing people that have graced my life. I appreciate my 2 amazing daughters, my sisters, my parents, my friends, and my health in a way I never could have before. Time is non-refundable, and I am so glad that I was given more of it to enjoy the many gifts life have given me.

Happy Heart Fixed Day to me!

Fondly,

Ann

Farewell 2019, Thanks for the Lessons

Farewell 2019, Thanks for the Lessons
Welcome 2020

I've been struggling trying to decide how to feel about a new year, a new

decade, 2020. Part of me wants to be excited for a new beginning. The

other part of me honestly knows that it is just another date on the calendar,

and things will likely not change much. Really, you can start new any time

you decide to start. Whether it is starting a new workout program, deciding

to eat healthier, leaving a job and starting a new one, having a baby, or

leaving or starting a new marriage, if we all wait for a new year to make

changes nothing would move forward, really....

This past year was a tough one. I thought 2015 was rough going through

having 3 holes in my heart repaired. Then, I thought 2017 was rough, after

rupturing my achilles tendon. Both of these happened in January in odd

calendar years. Therefore, I fully expected January 2019 to bring another

new health challenge. In fact, I actually breathed a huge sigh of relief when

February 1 came and my health was still intact. Little did I know the

challenges that still lie ahead of me in 2019. These did not come in the form

of health issues though, so I guess I have that going for me. My challenge

came in the form of my relationship ending. My 15 year marriage came to

a screeching halt about a month before our anniversary.

Honestly, it was a long time coming, but it still felt like a shock. On that

day in May, I was not expecting it to..... just be over. Looking back, I think

I was in shock for a few months. Yes, life went on, but I definitely did not

deal with the relationship ending. I just went through the motions, kept

living life, trying to keep the pieces from falling apart. I put one foot in front

in front of the other.

I celebrated turning 40 in August. I took care of my 2 beautiful daughters,

doing my best to put their needs first. They started 5th and 7th grades this

fall and are simply amazing to watch grow. Eva tried Cross Country this fall

and loved it. Abby's U11 soccer team went undefeated with her as a strong

leader on the field. Both are in band and now have moved on to swimming

competitively. I was able to accompany Abby to Oregon where she

represented team Wyoming at the Western Zones swimming meet.

She broke a Wyoming State record in the 100 breastroke!

Throughout this journey, I have made some amazing friends who listened

when I needed to talk, gave me a shoulder when I needed to cry, partied

with me when I needed to let loose, and worked out with me when I needed

to relieve stress.

Here are some important lessons I am taking from 2019.

Separation and divorce doesn't mean you have to hate your ex. In fact,

it can allow you the space to truly appreciate that they are a wonderful

person, but just not for you.

Friends can become family. They are the family you choose.

Making your children a priority is always the right choice. When you and

your ex-spouse keep this in mind, children are resilient and can handle

more than you think. In fact, they can thrive.

It is ok to choose yourself first once and while, and in fact sometimes

absolutely necessary.

It is ok to be happy, sad, or mad. It is ok to have feelings and show them.

Learning to love yourself is an art. But it can be done.

Celebrating gratitude everyday, no matter how small, helps you get

through the roughest days.

You are worthy of the love you desire. It is out there. Don't be afraid to

look or accept it.

Some days you just have to breathe. Inhale...exhale... just get through.

You are never broken. Sometimes in the moment you may feel this way,

but you will land on your feet and become stronger from those moments.

While it would be easy to be mad and bitter about this year. I may have

wanted to slam the door on 2019 and never look back, I think some day I

will be thankful for all it had to offer. Hopefully, I will look back and see that

I am blessed to have had all of those experiences positive and negative. I

will be stronger and better than ever and will be ready to take on anything.

Look out 2020, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?

Happy 2020 everyone! May it bring you many blessings!

Thanks for reading through and going on this crazy journey with me.

Fondly,

Ann