Unraveling 15 Years: The Positive Side to Divorce

Unraveling 15 Years: The Positive Side to Divorce

Exactly 11 days ago today, I sat across from my husband of 15 years, and we signed the legal
agreement we spent 2 months working on together. This divided everything we worked hard
for as a team. It turns out that 2 people can work together as mature individuals
and make decisions to determine what is best for the team of 4 people involved in a divorce.

This decision did not just affect the 2 of us, but both of our beautiful daughters were also
going to be impacted by this process. It was up to us to decide how we wanted to handle
ourselves as parents. I am proud of how we both worked together to put their needs before anything else when making custody and financial agreements. Throughout this nine month separation, our girls continued to thrive both in school, music, and athletics. This was possible, because we worked together to keep their lives stable. We put them before ourselves, no matter how hard that was at times, because yes there were human emotions involved. Sadness, anger, anxiety, and fear are just a
few that came into the mix.

It is hard to unravel 15 years of a life once shared. But honestly, it was brewing for many years.
One day, it just became time to stop hurting one another, repeatedly. Although, it is painful to end
a very important chapter in both of our lives, it is a necessary ending, so that we can both move
forward and find happiness separately. We were not the best version of ourselves together and
this did not allow us to be the best role models for our young daughters. That is not an easy thing
to admit, and it doesn't make either one of us a "bad person". We both made mistakes, we both
worked hard and hung on to the hope that we were better as a team than separate. We did this for many years, until it became apparent that no matter how hard we tried, no matter how much we
cared for one another, it just wasn't a good fit. And you know what? That's ok.

Does it hurt? Is it hard? Of course it is. This man that sat across from me was my best friend.
He stood by me through many hard times. We built one business together and are still working
together to build another. We share 2 daughters and many memories with friends and
family. It is hard to close the door on our life together. But that doesn't mean that divorce has
to be ugly. It doesn't mean that with some time and healing we can't continue to be friends.
It doesn't mean we all the sudden hate each other.

This just means that we will move forward in our journeys not as husband and wife, but as
friends, co-parents, and now, he is my boss. This means there is a different set of rules and boundaries, but that's ok, because we stopped the cycle of hurting each other.

Although our roles in one another's lives has changed, we will still work together to build his business, and we will continue to co-parent. We will both continue to attend soccer and basketball games, swimming and cross country meets, band concerts, musicals and plays, parent teacher conferences and more. Divorce doesn't have to make 2 people enemies. If fact, it can prevent 2 people from hating one another.

Celebration

Celebration

5 Year Anniversary

Today, I celebrate. I celebrate my health. I celebrate my ability to live life to it's fullest.
I am full of gratitude for each day I wake up and greet the day, regardless of why lies ahead.
Five years ago today, I entered into a 2 hour procedure to repair my PFO and 2 ASDS at the
University of Denver Hospital. These 3 holes in my atrium wall were apparently present since
birth, and at 35 years old, I had no idea they were there until my health took a huge downward
turn. (Please,visit older posts on this blog to view my whole story if you are interested. I want this post to be one of celebration and not a review of what I went through.) This experience was a
huge turning point in my life and has shaped much of who I have become today. I am so
thankful that I went through this experience.

SISU - Finnish for Grit/Perserverance

Has everyday been easy?
Did this experience magically add rainbows and unicorns to my life? Hell no! Those who know me, know that I have had several more difficult experiences that have also contributed to framing who I am today. All of which seem to happen in January.... Life still has difficulties, but I view these challenges as opportunities to grow and become strong with each experience rather than tear me down.

But today, right now, in this moment, I am choosing to be grateful and celebrate. Because I knew my body, and I knew something was wrong. When gasping for breath on a simple brisk walk, shouldn't have been the norm. I sought answers. So, I am now here living life to it's fullest. I am in the best shape of my life, yes at 40 years old. I am preparing for my first partner Cross Fit competition on Saturday.  I am doing this as a celebration of what my body can do. At 40 years old, I am still getting stronger. I still celebrate my PRs in the gym. I am still learning new skills and continuing to refine old ones. I remain stroke free, because  I was healthy, and then I wasn't, and I listened to my body, to keep myself healthy.

Eva 12 years old and Abby 10 years old

Today, I celebrate. I celebrate I am here to see my 2 beautiful daughters grow into the amazing young women they are becoming. They are amazing little people with the kindest hearts and caring souls. Last night, I stopped in my tracks to listen to their giggles coming from the basement. This brought me to tears. It is the small moments that take my breath away. I hug them more. I hug them tighter. Watching them swim, play soccer, run, play their instruments, all bring me more joy than I could have ever understood. I look forward to all they will become and know I am lucky to have such joy in my life, and the gift of being Eva and Abby's mom.


Today, I celebrate my family. I have 2 amazing sisters that have become my best friends through choice. Despite our differences, we have become one another's glue. Sisters by birth friends by choice. Regardless, of the time day or night, I know they are there for me to cry or laugh with. They let me vent, and listen without judgement. They give me advice and the tough love I need sometimes. Although, we live far apart, through our efforts, distance has not let us drift apart. My parents are also an amazing part of my life. Always, available to listen and support me in all I do. They both sacrificed much to help raise me into a woman I hope they can be proud of today. My family is my rock.

Today, I celebrate the friendships I have made. My circle isn't big, but it is what keeps me putting one foot in front of the other through all of life's journeys and struggles. I have amazing friends near and far who support me and hold me up and celebrate victories with me, as well. My heart swells when a message from a friend appears unexpectedly. I value the connections that come from coffee dates and simply talking with a friend over a drink. My friends are my family.

So, today, I celebrate. I am so grateful for the trials life has thrown my way. Yes, it sounds corny to be thankful for the struggles. I acknowledge this, but with the struggles comes learning and growth, as well as, gratitude for all of the amazing people that have graced my life. I appreciate my 2 amazing daughters, my sisters, my parents, my friends, and my health in a way I never could have before. Time is non-refundable, and I am so glad that I was given more of it to enjoy the many gifts life have given me.

Happy Heart Fixed Day to me!

Fondly,

Ann

Farewell 2019, Thanks for the Lessons

Farewell 2019, Thanks for the Lessons
Welcome 2020

I've been struggling trying to decide how to feel about a new year, a new

decade, 2020. Part of me wants to be excited for a new beginning. The

other part of me honestly knows that it is just another date on the calendar,

and things will likely not change much. Really, you can start new any time

you decide to start. Whether it is starting a new workout program, deciding

to eat healthier, leaving a job and starting a new one, having a baby, or

leaving or starting a new marriage, if we all wait for a new year to make

changes nothing would move forward, really....

This past year was a tough one. I thought 2015 was rough going through

having 3 holes in my heart repaired. Then, I thought 2017 was rough, after

rupturing my achilles tendon. Both of these happened in January in odd

calendar years. Therefore, I fully expected January 2019 to bring another

new health challenge. In fact, I actually breathed a huge sigh of relief when

February 1 came and my health was still intact. Little did I know the

challenges that still lie ahead of me in 2019. These did not come in the form

of health issues though, so I guess I have that going for me. My challenge

came in the form of my relationship ending. My 15 year marriage came to

a screeching halt about a month before our anniversary.

Honestly, it was a long time coming, but it still felt like a shock. On that

day in May, I was not expecting it to..... just be over. Looking back, I think

I was in shock for a few months. Yes, life went on, but I definitely did not

deal with the relationship ending. I just went through the motions, kept

living life, trying to keep the pieces from falling apart. I put one foot in front

in front of the other.

I celebrated turning 40 in August. I took care of my 2 beautiful daughters,

doing my best to put their needs first. They started 5th and 7th grades this

fall and are simply amazing to watch grow. Eva tried Cross Country this fall

and loved it. Abby's U11 soccer team went undefeated with her as a strong

leader on the field. Both are in band and now have moved on to swimming

competitively. I was able to accompany Abby to Oregon where she

represented team Wyoming at the Western Zones swimming meet.

She broke a Wyoming State record in the 100 breastroke!

Throughout this journey, I have made some amazing friends who listened

when I needed to talk, gave me a shoulder when I needed to cry, partied

with me when I needed to let loose, and worked out with me when I needed

to relieve stress.

Here are some important lessons I am taking from 2019.

Separation and divorce doesn't mean you have to hate your ex. In fact,

it can allow you the space to truly appreciate that they are a wonderful

person, but just not for you.

Friends can become family. They are the family you choose.

Making your children a priority is always the right choice. When you and

your ex-spouse keep this in mind, children are resilient and can handle

more than you think. In fact, they can thrive.

It is ok to choose yourself first once and while, and in fact sometimes

absolutely necessary.

It is ok to be happy, sad, or mad. It is ok to have feelings and show them.

Learning to love yourself is an art. But it can be done.

Celebrating gratitude everyday, no matter how small, helps you get

through the roughest days.

You are worthy of the love you desire. It is out there. Don't be afraid to

look or accept it.

Some days you just have to breathe. Inhale...exhale... just get through.

You are never broken. Sometimes in the moment you may feel this way,

but you will land on your feet and become stronger from those moments.

While it would be easy to be mad and bitter about this year. I may have

wanted to slam the door on 2019 and never look back, I think some day I

will be thankful for all it had to offer. Hopefully, I will look back and see that

I am blessed to have had all of those experiences positive and negative. I

will be stronger and better than ever and will be ready to take on anything.

Look out 2020, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?

Happy 2020 everyone! May it bring you many blessings!

Thanks for reading through and going on this crazy journey with me.

Fondly,

Ann

In a New York Minute

I suffered a major injury during warm up. How unexpected and embarrassing! Who does that? Leave it to me, Miss Coordinated and Graceful, to experience a major injury doing a simple movement. I was literally about 10 minutes into warm up and jumping over a pvc pipe that was no higher than my knees. I took off from 2 feet and landed on 2 feet. I didn't trip, fall, or do anything clumsy. I definitely wasn't doing anything dangerous or cool. 

When I got to CrossFit Lander, I was 100 percent healthy. In fact, I had posted several PRs the week before. But, when I landed, I knew immediately that something was not right. I felt a tear. I am also fairly certain I heard it tear as well, but it all happened so quickly. Although, I am not a medical professional, I knew in my gut my worst fear had come true. I had injured my achilles tendon. In a New York minute, everything had changed. 

I was unable to walk. In fact, my foot was dangling from my ankle. When I tried to walk, it was like my brain was not connected to my foot. I could not make it move at all. 

That is when I noticed the entire class had stopped. Everyone came to my aid. Soon, my ankle was on ice, which was actually snow from outside in a Safeway bag. I was definitely not going to be able to drive myself home with my foot of rubber. So, I called my husband to come and get me. Two of my friends from the gym teamed up to drive my van home. 

Upon arriving at home, my husband who is a chiropractor, did the Thompson test on my achilles. This showed that my foot did not move at all which is consistent with an achilles rupture. After visiting my normal PA Jim Hutchison, the next day and having an MRI a day later, it was confirmed that I had a complete achilles rupture.

This news was devastating. I had been the strongest I had ever been. I had worked very hard to prepare for the CrossFit Open and had big plans to do the Wyoming Open and Masters competitions this summer. I had just gotten my consecutive bar and ring muscle ups that month. I am a teacher who works on my feet all day long teaching 2nd graders. Most importantly, I have 2 beautiful daughters whom need a mom with working limbs to drive them to practices, make them dinner, do laundry, and all of the other glamorous tasks mothers do everyday. It seemed cruel that on January 24, 2017, just 5 days before the 2 year anniversary of having 3 holes in my heart repaired, I would now endure another life changing injury that would require surgery and a very long healing process. I felt blindsided.... this injury had no warning. It is crazy how life can change in an instant.

Full Circle

Full Circle

Everything You Want Is On The Other Side of FEAR

In early February 2016, I committed to completing the CrossFit Open after taking 2015 off. At that time, I was 1 month post closure. I participated in the 2014 Open, and it was the last workout, 14.5, where all my health issues really hit the fan. 14.5 was 21, 18, 15, 12, 9, 6, 3 thrusters (RX for women 65#) and bar facing burpees. It was not a fun WOD for ANYONE, most of all me. I finished with a good time at 16:09, but I ended up spending 3 days in the hospital with rhabdomylosis. Seventeen IVs later, I was released, but only to go home to continue to drink gallons more water over the next several days. This was definitely not the way to get the week of Spring Break off. 

On Thursday, March 24, 2016 everything came full circle. After 4 very successful Friday Open workouts, I walked into CrossFit Lander excited to watch the Open announcement with my fellow CrossFitters and finish what I started. I had worked hard and learned how to link toes to bar, and did my first ring and bar muscle ups, as a result of participating in the Open. As we all sat around, we discussed what we thought 16.5 would entail. Most of us thought thrusters would be included for sure, because we hadn't done them yet. A few of us also thought box jumps would be involved, since we usually see those during the Open every year as well. However, NONE OF US thought it would be a repeat of 14.5. We had already done bar facing burpees. In fact, I said, "If it is 14.5, I am leaving. I will not do that workout again." Several of my friends agreed with me. So, when Castro announced, "16.5 is 14.5". We were all completely silent. We all thought he was kidding. BUT, HE WASN'T!

I got really emotional. So emotional, I had to leave the gym and call my husband, Dean. I really didn't know what to do. I DID NOT want to do that workout again. But I DID want to finish what I started. How could I quit now. If I decided to do the workout, would it be a mistake? Dean talked me through it and together we decided that I should do it. So, I went in with a plan. Divide the thrusters into 3rds (for the round of 21 rest every 7) every round until the end. Step up and down every burpee. Breathe and take my time. I knew I had done workouts with thrusters and burpees and had absolutely no problems even close to what I had experienced 2 years before. Mentally, this was going to be a challenge. 

My judge that night, Jason, Dean and other friends who had gathered round were all fully aware of the situation. They were all supportive and really helped me through that workout. At several points, I was near tears. It was such an emotional experience. 

I stuck to my plan until the round of 9. At 9, I broke the thrusters in half and at 6 and 3 did them straight through. When I finished, I looked at the clock and couldn't believe my eyes 14:20. I had beat my time from 2 years ago by almost 2 minutes. I felt my approach had been so much more conservative, but it paid off! I also think my much improved form on both movements may have helped as well. 


Looking back, I am so happy that I decided to do the workout. I was not very sore in the days that followed. Most of all, I had conquered a huge demon. 

As I move forward, I am hoping to continue to overcome in other events. I will do Xterra Lory Triathlon in June. I had to drop that race in 2014. I will also do the Dakota 5-0 in September, which I have not been able to return to since 2013. I am so thankful to have my health back!

Moving On

It has been one year and one month to the day since my PFO and double ASD closure. Coincidentally, today is leap day an amazing gift of extra time. I am so thankful to be where I am now both physically and mentally. It is difficult to put into words how much my quality of life has improved in every aspect. I have more energy for absolutely everything including my family, students, friends, and recreation. I have grown and changed so much this year. One year ago, I would not have thought that I would say this, but going through this health challenge has been one of the most amazing, growing experiences of my life.

At the beginning of February, I went to Denver with my entire family in tow. Dean and I both took a couple days off work and made the trip a family vacation. What a different experience it was in comparison to last year. It was so amazing to be able to take my girls and enjoy our time. Due to inclement weather, we had to change our travel plans and travel earlier than planned, but we made the best of it. It was so much fun to be able to go to the malls and shop without getting winded! I even dropped into a CrossFit class the night before my appointment and did a WOD just because I could! 

Even though, I had been feeling amazing, I am not going to lie, I was NERVOUS for my appointment. I definitely think there is a certain amount of PTSD that has come along with this experience. I still feel  this with each milestone. 

One month after my procedure, I was given clearance  to begin training again. Regardless of what the cardiologist told me, I was still scared. My first CrossFit WODs with burpees, thrusters, or pushups were terrifying. I scaled my workouts in order to be safe. Lifting heavy petrified me. Mental pictures of my devices popping out of my heart crossed my mind constantly. I was told that this was impossible, but it was hard for me to trust something I couldn't see for myself. I was constantly waiting for extreme muscle soreness and swollen arms. Building up my running, swimming, and biking, I worried. Each time I get palpitations, don't sleep well, or get a little sore there is a small voice in my head that goes there. It says, "What if?" 

In Denver, we talked with my cardiologist, Dr. Caroll, after my echocardiogram. We learned that everything looks great! There are only 3 bubbles passing through the devices when I am at rest. With valsalva, there are approximately 10. This is amazing considering I had a curtain effect of bubbles at rest 1 year ago. (There were so many bubbles within a couple seconds that you couldn't even see my heart!) Basically, this means that my blood is now circulating through my lungs to get oxygen before going to the rest of my body. Dr. Carroll thinks I was very hypoxic which led to my health problems before closure. 

My first 100 mile bike ride, my first sprint triathlon, and CrossFit Open workout 16.1 all forced me outside my comfort zone testing boundaries. With each new milestone, I meet head on my confidence grows. So far, my body has passed every test with flying colors. This has strengthened my mental game. What doesn't kill you truly does make you stronger. I cannot wait to see what the rest of this year holds. 

Experiences VS. Material Things

Experiences VS. Material Things

Wow! It has been a long time since I have written. I have been busy experiencing life. In fact, this Christmas, Dean and I decided to make a big change and consciously focus on experiences rather than material things. We wanted to truly BE PRESENT with our girls during the holiday season. For years, it has driven me crazy that Christmas starts before Halloween is even over. Can we just enjoy one holiday at a time?

 We decided that our family would put less emphasis on things and put more time and energy into experiences and the true meaning of Christmas. Thanksgiving weekend, we informed our families that we would not be purchasing much for Christmas and that we really didn't want any material items for Christmas either. Our plan was to to spend time doing activities as a family instead.

This really forced us to think outside the box, which was a wonderful experience. We spent Christmas Eve ice skating and baking cookies with the girls. We almost didn't have time to open the presents under our tree. 

On Christmas Day after Mass, we packed up our minivan and drove to Pinedale and spent the weekend teaching the girls to downhill ski. Well, Dean taught them, while I worked on staying upright on my snowboard. We had a blast! 

Honestly, I have to say that this was probably the best Christmas I can remember. Although, it probably wouldn't have taken much to beat last Christmas, since I spent almost all day in bed with a kidney infection my brain flooded with thoughts of a looming heart procedure.

The girls received minimal gifts from us and Santa all of which revolved around the theme of things to do..... ski helmets, ice skates, ski mittens and socks, and books. Our family also did an amazing job of sticking to the theme. Board games, crafts, and money to put towards experiences were all very thoughtful. 

We were also extremely creative in making many of the gifts we sent to family. The girls made necklaces for their teachers while I crocheted up a storm. I also put our pictures from the past year into a calendar for the girls grandparents. Making gifts takes time. This means that some gifts will be late, but I am learning that this is okay as well. It has been a wonderful experience teaching the girls to make things.

What did we learn from this experience? 



Christmas does not come out of a box. It comes from within. It isn't about having Christmas cards or presents packaged and mailed on time. It is about giving from the heart with great thoughtfulness and spending time with the people you love. I personally really enjoyed this Christmas, because I wasn't stressed out about buying things to fulfill some obligation. I had time to enjoy my girls while they are young. I am not sure how many more years they will continue to believe in Santa or our Elf on a Shelf, Holly. I needed to cherish every moment this year and that is exactly what I did. If the Christmas season makes you frantic, like it did me, I highly recommend making a change. Maybe make a BIG change. It was totally worth it to discover the true spirit of Christmas. You only get one life, experience it before it passes you by. 

Happy Holidays to all. May the New Year bless you with many happy experiences that make incredible memories. I am looking forward to 2016!