On Being a Mom

 

 

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. I was the traditional little girl who played with dolls for days on end. My best friend Nicki and I would play dolls overnight; we even used her younger brother and my younger sister to be the older child of our “families”. She lived across the street from me all through elementary school. This allowed us to “pretend” we were neighbor moms. 

In junior high and high school, I was naturally drawn to babysitting and teaching swimming lessons to young swimmers. I also “mothered” my youngest sister, Liz, whenever possible. It was awesome to have a new baby in the house when I was 8. Unfortunately, she didn’t love this “mothering” continuing until she was an adult. I also chose to become a school teacher and coach instead of a pilot, in order to work with kids but also to have a schedule that would “make sense” to have a family.

At 28, I finally became a mom for the first time about 1 week before Mother’s Day. Eva Mae came into my life and changed it  and me forever. Becoming a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is also the absolute hands down most challenging endeavour I have ever taken on. 

No one warns you about this part. When you give birth, your child does not come with an owner’s manual. There are no instructions on how to parent. Yes, there are self-help books, but most of those contradict themselves. You should put your baby on a schedule. No, babies make their own schedules. Give children consequences; no, positively reinforce their behavior. To breastfeed or not, to co-sleep or not. Be a stay at home mom; be a working mom….. The list goes on and on….. 

And then there’s the mom guilt. Come on, you know we all have it. It doesn’t seem to matter what you do. As mom’s, we are always questioning ourselves if someone else isn’t already…. Everyone seems to know how to parent or have an opinion about parenting…..

We are all also scared at some point if not multiple times throughout parenting that we are “messing our child up”.

If we aren’t questioning ourselves as moms, and others aren’t questioning our parenting, then enters our child with his or her own opinions……. 

“Mary’s mom lets her!”

“I hate you!”

“You like/love (brother or sister’s name) more!”

“I hate you!”

“You’re so mean!”

“Bobby’s mom is nicer than you!”

“Why?”

“I hate you!”

“Susie’s mom is cooler than you!”

Need I say more? It’s a tough job. Sometimes, it’s all we can do to survive a day or even an hour. Often it is a thankless job; but someone’s got to do it. Guess what? That’s you!

You know what is the best part of being a mom, though? Those moments no one else gets to share or see. 

Getting up at all hours of the night to feed them when they are babies. Those snuggles are so special.

Hearing their first words, especially if it isn’t “dad’. :)

Teaching them to walk, feed themselves, dress themselves, and yes use the bathroom all by themselves.

Snuggling up with a good book before bed.

When they are sick, and all they want is mom.

Wiping their tears when they are sad or hurt. 

Hearing them say, “I love you mom!” 

Or “You’re the best mom!”

Hugs…. All the hugs

All the good nights; tucking them in.

And all the good mornings.

Watching them as they learn to read, and the excitement that comes when they read you their first book.

Their first piano recital, band concert, or theater production.

Watching them swim, play soccer or basketball, run or jump EVERY TIME!

Hearing them giggle.

Being the first person they come to to sort out a problem.

Picking out school clothes. 

Helping them get ready for their first dance.

Hearing them call you and only you, “mom”.

I know this list will continue to grow as my children grow up. I am already dreading the day when my house grows quiet, and my beautiful, hardworking daughters are grown. I only hope that someday, they truly know how much I love them and the amount of joy they have brought into my life. Because even though the journey can be so difficult at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Being Eva and Abby’s mom is the best thing I have ever done. They are my biggest challenge but remain the best decision I have ever made. I wouldn’t trade being their mom for anything. 

Mom’s it’s a tough road, but so worth the journey. Keep going, because you never know what joy lies just around the corner. 

Love,

Ann

Do Life's Challenges Repeat Until We Learn the Lesson?

 

    Do we experience setbacks until we stop repeating the same patterns of behavior? It seems to me personally that challenges keep being thrown my way in different forms but with the exact same intended lesson outcomes. This has led me to do a lot of thinking and quite honestly a lot of overthinking about why? Why does it seem that every year or couple of years I am thrown a curveball? What is God trying to teach me in all of this, and more importantly, why I am not listening, learning, and making changes? 

    I started to think about my lessons while I was reading the book, "The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry" by John Mark Comer. I had first heard about this particular book in a sermon series put together by my pastor at Element Church. I then discussed this idea with multiple Christian friends including my sister and a man I began dating. We decided to read this book together. He even had it sent to me in the mail unbeknownst to me. What a guy! This one may be a keeper. Needless to say, reading this book may have been life changing. I guess we'll see if I continue to experience setbacks that lead me back full circle. Yet to be determined at this time, but I sure hope not. I am ready to lead a life of peace.

    In my life, the curveballs and cycle of lessons started in 2015. I am defining curveballs as big life events thrown my way that were completely unexpected, very unplanned, and definitely not pleasant experiences overall. My diagnosis of a PFO and 2 ASDs tend to have led the charge. This was followed by a ruptured achilles tendon requiring surgery in 2017, a move due to unexpected career hiccups in 2018, separation in 2019, a divorce in 2020, finding and losing love and the COVID-19 shutdown and quarantine in 2020. So far, nothing has been added to this list in 2021. Fingers crossed......

   Upon much reflection, I believe all of these challenges were put on my path to teach me some very important lessons. While I still cannot tell you why I was not listening and learning, I believe these main lessons all revolve around hurry. Perhaps I wasn't ready, maybe the timing wasn't right...... hopefully, the lessons have sunk in and the cycle will cease to keep repeating.

Apparently, I am uncomfortable with idle time. Therefore, I pack my schedule full to avoid the discomfort of being bored..... If I have more time, I schedule something, anything; coffee with a friend, a random trip to Target, anything, so I don't relax. According to Comer, this is the problem for many of us. His advice, "You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life." pg 19.

    Hurry is in direct opposition to spiritual life, Comer explains. This includes patience and love. We harm the ones we love when we are in a hurry, because we lose patience when we hurry. This comes out in harsh tones, words, and actions. Hurry comes with a life that is too busy. Jam packed schedules lead to hurry..... Oh wow! 

Unfortunately, American culture thrives on busyness and hurry. It is a badge of honor to be busy. In fact, many people answer the question, "How are you?" with "Busy!" Recharging and self-care are not prioritized yet mental health issues are on the rise. Everyone wishes they had more time, yet that's not the answer. Because guess what? We just fill more time with more obligations and plans. So how is this related to my lessons? 

    What do all of the events I outlined above have in common? They all FORCED ME TO SLOW DOWN. Mostly importantly, they all led me back to my Christian faith. I am not in control anymore. And yes, losing control was one of the most scary things for me. Once I learned to turn control over to God, I experienced so much faith. 

These life events in turn helped me to analyze, identify, and only be involved in the most important aspects of life. That's all I had time for and all I could handle in the midst of crisis. In this slowing down and reprioritizing, I quickly realized how much I had to be grateful for when I was leading a more simple life. Guess what I was also happier as a result!

    The problem for me was once the crisis was over, I went right back to filling my schedule with busyness. This then led to hurry, leading to impatience, and anxiety. Hence, reinstate vicious cycle once again. All of this affected my quality of life as well as how I interacted with those I love especially my children and others closest to me..... patience went down the drain and well.... I would go right back to status quo apparently not learning the lessons God intended. Therefore, I was challenged with more events that forced me to stop in my tracks once again.......

    So now, it is 2021, I have identified my problem: busyness that leads to hurry. I know the solution: continue to focus and prioritize my spiritual journey, slowing simplicity, solitude, and silence (see Comer's book for more explanation of these). When I actively pay attention to mindful practice of these ideas as well as practicing daily gratitude, I believe I successfully avoid busyness and hurry. I am truly at peace and more happy with my life. Although, I don't think life will be smooth sailing from now on, I do hope that any challenges thrown my way are to teach me some other lesson. Or maybe I have earned a small break from life's challenges.......