The Winding Path That Is Life
In 2 days, I will be celebrating the 3 month anniversary of the procedure placing two devices over 3 holes in my atrium wall. I have 3 Plavix left to take. It is also 18.5 days until the last day of school. But, I am not counting.....
Man, the past few years have been a bumpy ride! Overall, this procedure ranks in the top 5 of my most life changing experiences. Getting married, moving to Lander from Minnesota, and the birth of both my daughters make the list. However, this has been different, as it was not a choice. My other experiences were the result of choices I made with careful thought. I definitely did not chose to have these health problems.
I am thrilled to report that things are currently going well. This has not come without extreme frustration and setbacks. However, those have become less and less common as my old levels of fitness and confidence begin to return. The first few workouts I did in the months post-recovery were filled with self-doubt, and face it, I was out of shape. There were times, I wondered why I was even trying to compete again. I almost gave up and quit having athletic goals altogether.
At my 1 month appointment, I was told to proceed with no limitations, but my mind and body had other ideas. It was extremely hard to separate being out of shape with heart complications. It takes 2 weeks to lose fitness and 12 to rebuild. I had completely forgotten what it feels like to be out of shape and starting over from scratch. It had been 5 years, since I had to whip myself into shape. I also struggled with being terrified every time my heart beat fast, which happens more often when you are out of shape. There were several workouts where I reached the point where I needed to dig in or back off. I chose to back off due to extreme lack of self confidence. I am having to learn to trust that my heart will not fail me. Trust is not an easy thing to earn back.
As an athlete, I never once questioned my heart or lungs. Those organs were always my strength and on my side, until now. I have been failed by my arms, legs, back, ankles, feet, etc. more than once in my training or races, but never by the vital body parts that keep me alive. My entire approach to training and working out has changed. Now, I have no plan. I listen to my body period. If I am not feeling it, I back off. It might even mean an extra day off. If I am on though, you better look out! Over the past 2 months, I have had terrible workouts. I have been laying on the ground when they are finished, because I pushed too hard at the beginning thinking I could do something I used to do only to die by the end. Working through the soreness of getting back in shape, was also no treat. Especially since, everytime I get very sore, the PTSD from rhabdo kicks in. This fear was enough to help me make really good decisions including which workouts I chose to participate and also at what level. I lifted much lighter weights and scaled many more workouts than ever. In addition to this, I also spent a lot of time running slow, up to 1 min/mile slower than I have in a long time.
Recently, I have had some amazing results both physically and mentally. Those workouts are what keep me coming back. In the end, I had to decide that I am going to keep track of new PRs. I am not going to compare myself to the pre-procedure Ann. Maybe someday, I will be able to compete at the same level as before. Maybe I will be better..... in the meantime, I am just going to keep moving forward and remain thankful for each day I have to spend with my family. The key is remembering that the road to success is not a never a straight line. Progress takes patience.
New Post-Procedure PR's
Road Biked 43 miles
Ran 4 miles @ 8:23 pace
(with the girls on bikes)
Mountain Biked 10 miles
"Helen"- 9:22
(actually the 1st time I ever did it)
"Nancy"- 13:53
(actually the 1st time I ever did it)
600 M Run- 1:53
Push Press - 95# 1RM
